"Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are time when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it."
- Ann Landers
My mother and I do not have a good relationship. Well, as of right now we don't have one at all. I chose me. I chose my daughters. And I chose my husband.
This is one of those things that has been years in the making. It wasn't pretty and it is not easy. Although there are more than a few people who applaud me for finally making this decision, it came at an unexpected time. And I feel guilty. Not guilty for my loss of that relationship. I feel that was lost several years ago. The guilt I feel is more for my daughters. I wish they would get to know their biological maternal grandma. Unfortunately at this time I do not feel that is in their best interest.
Now for the ugly. A bit of background as to why it has come to this.
Several years ago my mother met, and ultimately decided to marry my stepfather. I truly cared for him. Unfortunately for him, he had a very bad habit of making up stories. My mother would confide in me, and of course, although I loved and cared for this man, I would get upset that my mother stayed with him. They would make up and then I would in turn be the bad guy. This happened over and over and over. This is where our relationship started to turn and ultimately I decided to move in with my dad and step mom.
Skip forward to my bachelorette party in Las Vegas. Things did not start out well. My mother was there, along with several of my close friends. After dinner a few of us had tickets to go see a show, including my mother. We had gotten to the doors of the casino when I turned around and did not see my mother. We all stopped and turned around to go back to where the restaurant was. We stopped and started looking around. I found my mother walking through the slot machines and told her we needed to go. She got upset with me and asked what my problem was. As we are all standing there she starts saying some pretty unnecessary things to my cousin and my best friend. Finally I told her she shouldn't be there with us and that she needed to go home. She started walking away, turned around, and called me a c**t. I said she was a b***h and told her to leave. Very mature, I know. Over the next several days she and my stepfather began harassing me by sending extremely hurtful text messages to my cell phone.
I've said time and time again. If things stopped after the casino incident I don't think we would be where we are at today.
Regardless, the things that they had said to me cannot be taken back. And they are not things that can be forgiven and forgotten. They truly broke me. To this day those things have affected who I am. They have affected my relationships. Every single time I have tried to talk to my mother about these things in the past she would tell me those texts were not meant the way I took them (There is no misunderstanding the tone of these texts, nor the meanness meant behind them), that Las Vegas did not happen the way I said it did (Again, 8 of us were standing right there, not including my mom) or she would tell me she didn't want to go back there because she is moving on.
Well, here is my problem. I cannot move on. I haven't had a chance to tell her why I am so bitter. Why I have such a hard time talking to her. Until this past weekend, that is. I finally said stop. I finally told her she isn't the only one who has been hurt. She isn't the only person who gets to be bitter. I went off for well over an hour. She FINALLY seemed to acknowledge my feelings. She FINALLY apologized! When we got off the phone we were okay. We were talking.
I told my husband I felt really good. I finally stood up for myself. And most importantly she apologized! I felt like I could finally start healing. I felt like we could finally start repairing our beyond damaged relationship. I was so happy!
Unfortunately that feeling did not last long.
My mother proceeded to call me several days later. I knew it was going to bad when I answered the phone. You can always tell what kind of conversation it will be depending on how her voice sounds. Well she started getting upset with me. She started out by saying how I hurt her feelings. How she couldn't believe I would bring this up 8 years after it happened. Um, well it has barely been 4 years. And I have tried! Several times! She has shot me down every single time I have tried. Next she starts going off on the close relationship I have with my dad and my step mom. I had to stop her. I am sick and tired of her trying to make me feel bad for those relationships. I am a 28 year old woman. She does not get a say in my relationships. And it is inappropriate for her to talk badly about them to me. I finally had to get very real and tell her she needed to stop talking to me about them. My relationships with them will not change. And ultimately, they are NONE of her business. NONE! She wouldn't stop.
And that is where I broke. That is where I finally said I was done. I cannot do this anymore. I told her to stop calling me. I've blocked every way she has to get a hold of me. I know that if I hadn't gone to these extreme measures I would be pulled back in.
I have come to the realization that I cannot move past my feelings and work on myself with her in my life. My anger, my hurt, my broken spirit is due to our past. All I can hope for is that she will get the help she needs as well. That she will stop relying on everybody else, that she will become an independent person, that she will get healthy (mentally and physically) and that she will learn to love again. Maybe then we can attempt to repair this shattered relationship.
Until then, I choose me.
